Its been a long break since updating...

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sweet dreams

Im not a raging whore. I sometimes think about how my mind works and how I behave and think I am. But Im not sleeping around with every guy I meet, I just have an insane amount of crushes and cant help but talk about them.

Last night I went out to Karaokee with some friends and accidentally got ridiculously drunk. I had half a bottle of wine, a double rye with gingerale, 2 shots of jager, and a shot of whisky. I am a small girl and that was way too much. Which is why not Im laying in bed all day feeling like crap. I really wanted to make out with someone, to get my mind distracted even for a minute. Me and my girlfriend Lisa went there with those intentions but we both failed and there were no cute guys there. At the end of the night she walked me to my bus and I said "I cant believe neither of us made out with anyone!!!" and she said "well we could make out with each other?" which we proceeded to do... I have always wanted to make out with her but shes my friend and I never wanted to cross that line. We rolled around drunkenly on the sidewalk as she bit my lip and I think even drew blood. We drunkenly told each other wed always wanted to do this and laughed that we were. I highly doubt it will be weird just because neither of us are like that and it was really way more fun than kissing a stranger who would have probably turned out to be a total dog.

But now Im sober and back to real life which is unavoidable. Peter is driving me crazy. He changed his facebook status from In a Relationship to Widowed. Does this mean Im dead to him? He's posting all these broken heart/anti girl songs everyday and making me feel really bad. But then he'll text me saying really nice things, not romantic just friendly. Can someone write a manual on how to deal with pseudo poetic-bipolar-struggling artist types?

Going to go throw up some more.

xoxo
a

songs are written with no words yet

Its been a hectic past week. I text Peter a day after to make sure he was ok and didnt hear back. Then I tried calling him and again nothing. I started to get this terrible feeling inside myself so I kept calling and leaving voicemails eventually saying if you dont want to talk to me thats ok just tell me to stop calling and I will. After 3 days I finally got a text that said "they let me go out for a smoke and my phone was in my jacket. Im in the hospital. Dont worry about me. XO talk soon."

So hes in the hospital and I have no idea why and my imagination can do terrible things. Christmas eve I get a call from him and hes fine. Acting like nothing happened, when I ask how are you I get a "good" and then i ask soooo what have you been up to? I get "oh not much." I get impatient playing these games so I just ask what were you in the hospital? His doctor decided it was the best thing for him to go to the psych ward and not be alone I guess. He didnt seem to think it was a big deal but to me it is. Its a bit awkward talking, knowing I want to further end and knowing he just got out of the hospital it was making me feel really nervous. I told him we should stop seeing each other completely and that I didnt think it was healthy for either of us but he didnt understand how this could be unhealthy for me at all. We had the typical break up conversation "It was really nice spending time with you, youre a really smart/funny/kind person" blah blah blah and at the end of it he says to me "I really hope when you broke up with Ben you gave him more than this." I WAS WITH BEN FOR 4 YEARS! I was with peter for 3 months and he wasnt even my boyfriend. I was so angry that he was the one being crazy and he was making me feel guilty for not wanting to be a part of it. Im glad its over but I miss sleeping next to him and having his body wrapped around mine.

Guys are the new girls

Before I met Ben in high school I couldnt find a boy who wanted to date me, they just wanted to fuck and chuck girls endlessly with no commitment. Commitment and that time was exactly what I wanted and now the complete opposite. All the guys Ive met since Ben (Peter,Lars,Garrett,Jimmy) have become needly and smothering! Jimmy by the way is not an important guy just someone who kissed me once at a bar and I wasnt into but texts incessantly never taking a hint! They all do the same thing, and Its making me a little crazy. Garrett texts nearly every day asking to see me and I had to finally tell him to stop and I would let him know when I was free. Peter wants a real committed relationship, love, meet the parents and all that junk. And Lars has been out of town but emailing me telling me about his day and asking me about mine, which Is sweet but we went on two dates!!

Anyways... things with Peter got weird. There was a party he was coming to the other night and I told him I didnt want any PDA stuff (which he is really into) because Ben would be there and I wanted to be respectful. He was ok with it but once AT the party kept trying to "sneak" me away for secret kissing which wasnt very secret and made me very uncomfortable. The next night there was another party that I didnt go to but Peter and my Cindy, my best friend, were both at. He told her all about how much he liked me and wanted a real exclusive relationship, not just fucking, and that he was going to ask me. We had plans to hang out the next day so I knew I had to tell him first that we shouldnt see each other anymore before he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was really nervous to tel him because he is Bi Polar and wasnt sure of how he would react or if that would matter at all. Well, we went for coffee and he beat me to it. I had to tell him how I just wasnt ready for anything that serious and couldnt make that commitment. He SAID he understood and wanted to keep seeing me like we had been and didnt want things to change. I am soooo naive sometimes, I should not have believed him.

We went to his house to watch a movie and while we were sitting on his bed he started crying and asked if he should have kept it a secret that he is Bi Polar, and if thats why I didnt want to be with him. It honestly has never affected how I felt about him, if anything it made me feel closer to him knowing he could tell me. So he calmed down and things got normal again. He went to the bathroom and when he came back he crawled on top of me and said "so what is it you want from me again?" and I told him "a friend to have fun with that I can also makeout with." I knew the sex was going to be different that night, and I was excited and nervous and I was right. He is usually very aggressive and borderline violent (which I like, its not sketchy) but last night was just another notch up there. When he would choke me it was harder, usually its softly but this time at points I was scared. Everything about it was rougher, like he wanted to hurt me, or to punish me. At times I thought he might hit me, which hes never done, and a part of me wanted him to and Im not sure why.

Afterwards he said he needed a cigarette so he chainsmoked out of the window in the dark corner, looking more beautiful than ever. He asked me to come over so I sat on his lap and he cried again saying "Im a good person, Im not a bad person." over and over, and I told him he was a good person, and he told me he was trying to convince himself, not me. He lifted my shirt and wiped his tears on my stomache and told me he didnt love me. I never thought he did. We watched the movie and he was fine but afterward he spiraled again. He sobbed uncontrollably and held me tighter than ever and wouldnt let go. I saw something on his arm and asked what it was, it looked like hed fallen off his skateboard. He didnt answer me, and I knew I was wrong. He told me he didnt want me to see it and that it wasnt my fault. He had done it the week before, and that night when I wasnt looking at some point. Im scared for him and also a little scared of him for myself. When I left this morning he was totally normal and didnt apolagize or say anything about the night before.I havent heard from him all day and Im worried but I dont want to call and give him the wrong impression. I think I have to end it all over again and Im scared. What should I do?

xoxo
A

the secon man

Ok, continuing from my last post I'll write about the second man after Peter and Garrett. His name is Lars. I've known Lars for years but more as aquantances than friends, more a friend of Bens then mine. He recently got back into town after a few years of living abroad and we connected at a friends party. After seeing him that night he messaged me on facebook and exchanged numbers and eventually went out for food. We went for dinner twice and had sex once. He was pretty good in bed, but a bit too serious. The only thing is, hes on pain meds for life and they keep him from coming unless he goes without a condom which I wouldnt let him. He asked me if he got tested would I let him not use one and I said Id think about it. But the more I thought about it I realized I dont know him that well (duh) and shouldnt put any trust in any man because they inevitably fuck you over. And that I always heard he was sketchy but I always give people the benefit of the doubt, which I probably shouldnt.. So hes been calling and emailing but Im not into it anymore. After two dates do you really have to explain yourself to someone or can you just hint and not reciprocate anymore?

New blogs for new beginnings?

I've never kept a blog before, but always journals and numerous notebooks that are scattered about. I decided to start this blog after a break up from my first real relationship that lasted just under four years. Being 21 and really dating for the first time in a long time, or at all has been really scary and fun and I feel the need to share my experiences. I'm going to be writing about dating, sex, love and all the terrible things that come along with these.

Since this is my first entry I will just update the last two months since this breakup occurred. I met Ben when I was in high school, grade 12, and he was 8 years older which was exciting at the time as every young girl loves an older man! Things started slowly, I had never really dated seriously before this, just a movie or kissing in the back of a movie theater. But never real feeling or connections. With Ben I found both of these for the first times. Things went well but of course there were some bumps along the way. About 6 months in while travelling he kissed another girl, and then 3 years after that some other infidelities. After finally knowing I could be alone and didn't need him I cut things off knowing it was the last break up, there would be no more make ups.

Right before I ended things with Ben I met a guy named Peter and we had an instant connection. Maybe this motivated me, or maybe I used it as a distraction from the heartbreak I knew I would face once things with Ben ended. He was very supportive and when I told Peter I needed time away from being his friend after the break up he totally understood and gave me the space to cope. With him it was lust at first sight. I had seen him two times in one week and both times we smiled shyly at each other. A few days later I saw him at a party his band was playing and again, we shared shy smiles and finally at the end of the night I found the courage to speak to him. We spent the night listening to music, kissing, and laughing.

Once I felt I was done being a mess over the break up with Ben I called Peter and we began hanging out semi regularly. At first it was 2 or 3 times a week, I couldn't get enough of him but I realized distracting myself and going from one man to another was the least healthy thing I could be doing so I slowly weened myself down to seeing him once a week. I made it clear that I did not want a relationship and I think he understood. Peter is very sweet, he is gentle and romantic and very much like myself. It was also refreshing after being with Ben for years, after the cheating I found it hard to be sexual with him or want to have sex but with Peter I remembered what it was like to be overcome with passion for another person and there body and not have to close my eyes while he touched me. Not having to tune out knowing the person who's fingers touched me touched others and manipulated. It is as if Peter knows exactly what I am thinking or what I want, how to be touched and where.

The past 2 months of seeing Peter there have been 2 other men. One was someone I met at a bar, one notorious for sleazy travelers and college kids but a place to get free drinks none the less. I went with my best friend Cindy and we had both had rough days and proceeded to drink too much too fast. We found ourselves surrounded with men and soaked it in, but there was one I'd seen all night who had not noticed us at all and I tried shamelessly to get his attention. Once being introduced to Garrett we talked, flirted and kissed outside. I gave him my number but didn't actually expect to hear from him but the next week I kept receiving texts from this tall handsome Irishman with a ridiculous amount of charm. We met for drinks and spent the night talking, we didn't have much in common except a physical attraction to one another but that didn't bother me. I drank too much he persuaded me to come back to his place for tea. Even though I knew it was bullshit, I still went up telling myself I would leave after a cup of tea with nothing more than a kiss. I even wore my least attractive and flattering pair of underwear to GUARANTEE I wouldn't do something stupid. But believe me, this man is irresistible. We kissed on his balcony and then went inside and had sex in his bed, against the kitchen counter and on the floor. I walked home alone at 5am feeling confused. I was excited because Id had a fun time, it was my first one night stand, but ashamed because ... well I'm not sure. I don't personally have any qualms about things like this, I guess I was ashamed of what my friends might think, or what Garrett now thought of me.

This has turned into a very long post... I will write more about the second man, Luke, next time.

Xoxo
A